Here in 2024, I’ve observed that many of us find it difficult to foster relationships that stick. Many of us are out here dating with our guards up, doing our best to extract the benefits without the responsibility. Trying to be loved without having to give love. So, we are fumbling each other, moving from person to person as if we have time as if age ever moves backwards. Why is this? What makes it so difficult for us to settle down? I believe it's because we don’t feel safe with most people. In this article, I’ll be discussing safety and the main elements of a person that will create a feeling of safety in their partner.
A feeling of safety is essential to all relationships, we are all wired to protect ourselves. We will all do what is in our best interests. So, if you want to keep a relationship long-term there are a couple of things you need to be/have.
1. A Relationship with Jesus
2. Honest
3. Financially Stable
4. Healthy
5. Loyal/Disciplined
Relationship with Jesus Christ
Each person's moral compass is influenced by their belief system. It is difficult to cultivate a safe and healthy relationship where 2 people are on 2 different pages where God is concerned. I don’t know about you but for me I need my woman to be into the Bible. One thing I know I have a hard time coping with is being in a relationship with a woman with whom I struggle to have biblical conversations. Because I know God’s word does not mainly influence her moral compass. That makes me feel unsafe.
In the realm of relationships, women have the upper hand as the weaker vessels. Socially speaking they are supposed to be treated with more tenderness, kindness and empathy than us men. A woman who is not willing to yield to the instructions of the Bible is likely to use this social expectation to her advantage against her man. There is little he can do about this, his options are to suck it up or leave.
The danger is even greater for a woman to choose a man who is not a student of God’s word. He is likely to be more emotion-led, he may be more prone to anger and seeking solace in this dark world outside of Christ, the church or his wife. The man’s role is to lead his family, therefore Christ should heavily influence his sense of morality. If the Bible isn’t his main influence, then the elements of darkness are possibly taking its place in his mind.
Honest
They say honesty is the best policy. In my reflections on past relationships, I’ve recalled many times when I was dishonest, either about what I did, how I felt or what I really wanted. In all instances, those relationships didn’t work. Why? Because trust was broken. Trust is a very fragile thing. It typically takes time to build and is usually destroyed in one moment. You could have told 100 truths, 1 lie will now cause everything you say afterwards to be clouded by doubt. If a person cannot trust you, they can’t feel safe with you.
For me, I often lied in the past mainly to keep the peace or avoid offence. But I’ve come to realize that keeping a false sense of peace by lying is not wise. I may have avoided offending the other person but deep down I am not getting what I need from them. I need their empathy and their willingness to grow and improve. I need their forgiveness and understanding. It’s a powerful part of intimacy building. But I forfeit these things every time I lie. Every time I say “it’s ok” when it’s not. Every time I hide my sin. Every time I say you don’t need to lose weight when in my mind you do. Every time I lie, I forfeit authenticity and trade it for fakeness which just cannot stand the test of time.
Honesty can often feel uncomfortable because we fear the outcome. Any relationship that cannot survive honesty is not healthy. Someone is controlling someone else. There is manipulation involved if a virtue such as honesty poses a threat. The real issues cannot be addressed unless there is complete honesty. You don’t know who your partner is unless they are open, honest and transparent. There is no safety without honesty.
Financially Stable
I know you see this and think it's just for men but no, if you know me you know my words are usually intended for both men and women. Money is a leading cause of marital issues. Both people have different philosophies on how money should be treated, or one or both don’t make enough money to meet the demands of life. Sometimes a woman will place more expectations on a man than he can financially handle, and her lack of empathy puts pressure on him. Sometimes the man runs up the credit card debt and the woman is distressed about how it will be paid off. Financial problems are no joke because most people find safety in money. Not having enough money to cover obligations is never a good feeling.
“A feast is made for laughter, wine makes life merry, and money is the answer for everything.” Ecclesiastes 10:19. Most problems we encounter in our modern world can be addressed with money because there are always people who are willing to fix an issue if you pay them. Women instinctively seek men who make more money than they do because they wish to be provided for especially during pregnancy when they are most vulnerable. So, when a man loses his ability to provide the money necessary to maintain a certain lifestyle this may influence fear within the woman which in turn influences flight. It’s harsh but a reality many men have experienced.
A man who is conservative and is not only concerned about now but also the future, will wrestle with anxiety if he has a woman who spends in an absent-minded manner. Money doesn’t grow on trees so spending it as if it is infinite can be a major problem. Not much is more frustrating than having to pay credit card debt that you didn’t even help create. It’s even worse if you look at the card statement and see many non-essentials. Some people who have it like that can cope with heavy spending. But most millionaires don’t become millionaires by spending heavily they do so by saving and investing. If a woman’s spending habit jeopardizes the future comfort of her man, he may see her as a liability and choose to end their relationship as a result.
Healthy
The optimum life is a life without pain or hindrance due to illness or injury. The man who wants healthy children wants a woman who can bear those children without complications. An active man also wants to be active with his woman and so desires for his woman’s body to easily participate in rigorous activity. The woman who wants protection long term, wants a man who is strong and capable. A man who can work, fight, lift, push, pull, run and fix things.
This element correlates closely with financial stability because a poor diet mixed with little to no exercise usually results in high medical bills. Prevention is always better than cure. Hands down some of our most expensive bills are health related. It’s a reason medical doctors are among the most highly paid professionals. Health care is expensive because everyone knows nothing else matters if you are not well enough or alive to enjoy it.
Healthy also includes mental health and emotional stability. Most of us wish to be in a relationship with people we can rely on to be there for us. ‘There’ is not just our physical presence, but also the emotional capacity to extend empathy in our times of distress. Being able to maintain calm amid the other person’s storm is evidence of emotional maturity. Being able to resolve conflict and forgive quickly is the hallmark of emotional intelligence. No relationship will flourish if one or both people are not mentally healthy and emotionally aware enough to work through differences in opinion.
For a couple to feel safe in their relationship they need to know that their partner is doing their best to be healthy for them. We wish not to become a burden to our spouse all because we failed to take care of our bodies. The vows say in sickness and in health but there are countless stories of couples that would have broken up during a member’s ill health. Many people don’t have the mental capacity to endure illness with their partner. It’s sad but true. Take care of your body with a sense of duty to yourself and your partner.
Loyal/Disciplined
The consensus among most people is that we are striving to be monogamous, and we want our partners to have the same aim. Especially within the Christian context each of us are to have one wife or one husband. We ought to be building our families and lives with one spouse. However, statistics show that most people struggle with being faithful to their wife/husband.
There are many implications for disloyalty to your spouse. There is broken trust, humiliation, unwanted pregnancies, STDs, disrupted vaginal pH, increased fear, feelings of rejection and regret, possibly experiencing bodily harm and even death in extreme cases. We humans don’t want to share our spouse with anyone else.
Polygamous/polyamorous relationships have been getting more publicity in recent times. These types of relationships are growing in popularity because it is believed that we humans are not naturally monogamous which is why most of us struggle with having only one sexual partner for life. But even in these relationships, some rules require loyalty. For a poly-relationship to operate safely, all involved must know about each other and give consent to the sharing of their partner. Without consent to get their sexual and emotional needs met by someone else, they are cheating which is disloyal. Having our emotional and sexual needs met by other people outside of our spouse sends a message to them that they are not good enough for us. It’s demeaning and deeply hurtful, which is why most relationships don’t typically survive unfaithfulness.
Unfaithfulness jeopardizes our physical and emotional health not to mention our reputation. So, it is reasonable to understand that once disloyalty creeps into a relationship it no longer feels safe. Disloyalty doesn’t only have to do with sexual promiscuity but also with gossip and the mis-prioritization of other relationships over the one with your spouse. Once these things are done a feeling of safety leaves the relationship. This one thing can be what underpins 90% of the conflict that is seemingly unresolvable in your relationships.
Closing Remarks
If you are having a hard time getting your relationships to stick and move in the direction of marriage ask yourself this question, “am I safe to be with?” Look inward search yourself and see if you are achieving these elements of safety. Ask yourself
1. Do I have a solid relationship with the Bible, where I read and obey what it says daily? Do I value love and faith over all other virtues? Do I allow other Christians to hold me accountable?
2. Am I honest even when it will be an inconvenience to me? Am I likely to hide my sin? Am I likely to sweep offence under the rug and pretend as if all is fine?
3. Am I financially stable? Can I comfortably cover all my mandatory monthly expenses and possibly the expenses of an additional person? Do I save and invest? Do I perform at work in a manner that makes me a truly valuable team member?
4. Am I healthy? Can I run up a flight of stairs without feeling as if my heart is going to fail? Can I lift my body weight? Am I happy and content? Am I confident in my ability to resolve conflict and let go of offence?
5. Am I loyal? Do I tell my friends and family about my partner’s bad traits but never the good? Have I ever sought outside validation when I felt rejected by my partner? Do I prioritize my friends and family over my partner because I have known them longer?
If you measure yourself with these questions and can’t honestly answer positively to them all then you have work to do. You may be the problem. You may be the one keeping yourself single. I hope this article was insightful for you please share it with your loved ones. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
This piece was written and contributed by our PAJE Writer! Remember to show your support by liking, sharing and commenting!
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