Have you ever heard the saying, “If you stand for nothing you will fall for anything”? It’s very true. In my experience being a “yes man” to get people to like you is counterproductive. Always agreeing is the easiest way to get used and abused. ‘No’ is a full sentence. You must use it sometimes for it is what attracts respect. Yes, attracts likeability, while no, attracts respect. Your relationships may be failing because you lack the understanding that respect is a part of love. Love cannot be authentic without respect. If you want others to respect you, you must first respect yourself.
If you have been having difficulty setting boundaries in your relationship it's possibly because you and your partner started with little to no boundaries. You moved as led by your emotions with a “go with the flow” mentality. Unfortunately, this vibe cannot stand the test of time because you and your partner won’t always see eye to eye. Of course, you do not sense the breakdown in respect during the vibe. You are not sensing the entitlement that grows within your partner with every ‘yes’ you give them. It is wonderful when our partner loves us amid our compliance. However, it is crucial that they love us amid our opposition as well. The tone of opposition needs to be set early in your relationship. This is how you can tell quickly who is for you and who isn’t.
Setting Personal Boundaries
It all begins with you. If you are going from relationship to relationship blaming each ex as the reason the relationship didn’t work out. You have not even begun the journey of self-development and growth. No doubt your ex did some hurtful things, but you also did your fair share of damage to them. Setting standards for yourself is an effective way to give your next relationship a better chance at success.
Step 1: Take responsibility for yourself and your life. Say it with me “It’s all my fault”. Taking extreme ownership of yourself and your outcomes is empowering. This step alone makes you 50% less argumentative because you are more likely to look inward than to point the finger at someone else. When you take responsibility, you force your mind to come up with possible solutions that you have control over. Also, you potentially nip things in the bud so that they never become issues.
Step 2: Solidify your moral beliefs. Our beliefs influence how we show up in our relationships. A huge mistake we all have made at some point in our lives is to say one thing and do another. Being incongruent in our relationships affects the trust-building process. Incongruence can also be confusing and hurtful for our partner no matter how small it may seem. So, know your beliefs and be able to explain why you believe what you believe regarding morality. Because if a person comes along and tries to challenge you on your moral belief system, which is a fundamental part of who you are, then you already know this is not your person. Holding the line will be difficult if you are wishy-washy regarding your beliefs. Your desire for companionship may push you to compromise the standards that you believe are necessary to maintain respect within your relationship.
Step 3: Decide what you will not do, where you will not go, what you will not say and what you will not wear. Your personal boundaries are a sign of your self-respect and high self-esteem. People won’t respect you if you are easily moved by their emotionally manipulative tactics. This is important for everyone but especially so for men. If your woman doesn’t respect you bro, either she is naturally difficult because of past trauma or pride, or you have been incongruent so her trust in you has been shaken. If the latter is true, the fix is up to you. We must all do as we say and say what we mean. This is difficult but is the hallmark of a well-developed person who has spent time with themselves and God’s word. Complete congruence is the pinnacle of emotional maturity and mental strength.
Step 4: Develop a healthy relationship with the word NO. Each time you say no to someone you are communicating what you are not ok with. You are teaching them what is not acceptable and what is. Anyone who insists on pushing you past your boundaries is probably not for you. Now this isn’t always the case. Because we are often saying no to good and healthy things that can benefit us, but we may be afraid of stepping out of our comfort zones to reap the benefits of being stretched. Sometimes we need to be pushed toward greatness. The ‘no’ I speak of here is the no against compromising your morality or being led in a direction you know is not good for you. This will lead to a breakdown in self-respect.
Discipline
Discipline is the enforcement of boundaries that we have set with ourselves. It is the highest form of self-love. Without discipline, we become our own worst enemy. Easily distracted and aimlessly wandering through life. Without discipline, we sabotage the very outcomes we wish to have. Holding firm when your partner is challenging your boundaries will be very difficult if you are not used to holding firm when your emotions challenge your boundaries. After reaping the benefits of self-discipline, you will also want to bring discipline and self-control to your relationship. Sowing this seed early in your relationship instead of giving into the passion that flows from novelty will be a huge trust builder between you and your partner.
Resisting the urge to get too deeply involved too fast communicates to your partner that you are self-controlled and will honour your relationship amid difficulties. Sometimes it can seem as if we only behave ourselves when things are going well in our relationships. But when we hit a rough patch, we do whatever it takes to bring back our own good feelings, even to the detriment of the trust in our relationship. Maintaining a relationship without trust is like trying to live in space without oxygen, it will die if the trust issue isn’t fixed.
The more disciplined you are with yourself, the more success you will experience in your day-to-day life. The more success you experience the more your confidence will grow. The more confidence you have, the more certainty you have about your decisions and beliefs. The more certain you are the stronger your NO will be. The stronger your no, the more respect you attract from people who realize you are not a pushover and the easier it is for you to decipher who is for you and who is not. Therefore, choosing the best partner for yourself becomes less a game of chance and more about intentionality.
Bring your Standards to your Relationships
Once you believe what you believe and know why you believe it. You can now defend your belief and solidify your stance. Early in your potentially romantic relationships communicate your boundaries verbally and behaviourally. For example, if you wish to save sex till after your wedding ceremony, say it and live it. Saying it is the easy part, living it may be the challenge. If it is a challenge revisit step 2 above. Do you have a clear understanding of why you want to wait? Is it just because someone told you, “God commands it”? Or is it just because your friends are waiting so you want to wait too? These reasons may not be strong enough to hold back desire. You need deeper meaning behind your beliefs, especially toward the outcomes that you want in your life. Deep convictions come from understanding the outcomes that your standard is intended to produce. If you wish not to fumble your beautiful product you best not compromise your standard.
If you wish to keep conversations respectful between you and your partner. Set a boundary that there be no use of curse words. You need to say it then live it. Never let a curse word escape your lips toward your partner or anyone else. If they say one to you, end the discussion immediately. Address that breach before moving forward. Do not ignore or push past it. If you do it will happen not only again but more frequently. It would be difficult to address the breach in the future because by then you would have let it slide a couple of times. A weed that is caught early is easier to uproot than a tree that is fully grown.
If you wish to be perceived as an intelligent and valuable person, dress well. How you dress will feed your self-confidence and self-worth. Your posture and demeanour will improve with improved self-perception which can be influenced by how you look to yourself and others. Your partner will treasure you as a prize they have won when they love how you present yourself physically. So, treat yourself well as a means of loving your partner also.
If you wish to go to the gym with your spouse twice per week. Ensure you have developed the discipline of going to the gym twice per week by yourself. The habit becomes your standard. Understand why your standard is important to you so that it can influence how you go about choosing. Don’t choose someone who hates exercise or who will only do it when they are in the mood twice per year. You will frustrate them, and they will frustrate you. The person who is for you will willingly work out with you twice per week because they know that is important to you and it is valuable to them as well. The person who is not for you will not care.
Your person not caring now, doesn’t mean they didn’t care before. If you can recall a time that they did care and did put in effort, you now need to investigate why the shift has happened and address that. Going back to step 1 above, taking responsibility for your relationship empowers you to create the life you desire with your partner. It also empowers you to take the lead where relationship repair is concerned. Hopefully, they too are on the same page.
Closing Remarks
Boundaries begin with you. You first need to own your life, your choices, outcomes, desires and everything else that belongs to you. Then set out to do what is necessary to cultivate the things you want. This includes cutting off the things that can sabotage the life you want to have. Holding the boundaries you set with yourself is called discipline. The more disciplined you are, the more personal success you will experience and therefore, the more self-respect you develop. The more evident your self-respect is the more inclined others are to respect you as well.
So, if you are having an issue with people respecting you and treating you with low regard. Don’t ask why are people so mean. Rather, ask “How am I showing up to give people the impression that I deserve 3rd class treatment?” “What am I doing that makes my wife comfortable with talking down to me?” We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves the faster we accept this and move in this knowledge the faster we cultivate inner peace and set boundaries in the right way speaking only of the action we will take if our boundaries are crossed, instead of telling the person to stop doing or saying whatever.
I do hope this article was insightful for you. I wish only for an improvement in your life’s relational outcomes. My next article will be a continuation of this one. Looking at how to set boundaries with outsiders. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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