Many relationships have failed not because the couple didn’t love each other but because one or both allowed outsiders to tear them apart. A marriage is intended to be permanent. However, many people marry with intentions of permanency but a limited understanding of HOW to keep the relationship healthy and capable of enduring the years. The main reason I write my articles and do my podcast is to share my understanding of what it takes.
In this article, I’ll be discussing the various ways we allow outsiders to keep us in a cycle of singleness. Topics to be explored include:
1. Gossip
2. Misplaced priority
3. The well-intentioned friend/parent
4. Affairs
Gossip
We all commit this sin from time to time. We often don’t notice we are sinning until someone points it out. We often feel justified in committing this sin because the other person is “bad” and we are the victim. Gossip is to talk ill about someone behind their back. If you are having a hard time in your marriage and you wish to make it worse, you should gossip to your friends and family. However, if you wish to turn things around shut your mouth and pray for your spouse. Also, ask God to help you to see your spouse. To see the root of their poor behaviour so that you may have compassion toward them. Without this, the relationship will be hell on earth till death or divorce do you part.
Gossip is a sly fox because we often do it with good intentions. We may do it hoping to get good advice to help our relationship. Or do it to feel better and return to our relationship relieved of pent-up frustration. Or do it to seek prayer and comfort from our close friends and family. But it tends to backfire and most of us don’t notice. Here is what happens when we gossip.
First, the moment we start to share our partner’s sins with others is the moment we start to solidify the offence in our hearts. Jesus says in Matthew 19 that Moses allowed us to divorce because of the hardness of our hearts. What hardens our hearts? Bitterness and resentment. Gossip is bitterness spewing from your lips. Speaking it and then receiving emotional validation from our friends or family solidifies our belief that our spouse is wrong, and we are right. Second, it paints a negative picture of our spouse in the minds of outsiders. To validate our feelings, they must empathize with us in our moment of distress. It is quite difficult to remain objective especially if they are closer to us than they are to our spouse. So, they are likely to take our side.
You may not intend this, but they may go and tell other people about your marital issues. Now there is not only resentment in your heart but resentment in the hearts of others. This resentment will be felt when your spouse comes around your people. It will show up in the nonverbal cues, the small unfriendly gestures no matter how hard they try to “play nice”. Unless the outsiders are aware of gossip they can’t mask that it has happened. If the conflict goes unresolved the bitterness will eat away at your relationship like a cancer. Your spouse will feel as if everyone including you is against him/her. This feeling will be hard to shake even if you and your spouse resolve the conflict. You may forgive your spouse but the outsiders possibly won’t.
When talking to outsiders about your spouse let your words be positive. If you cannot say it to your spouse, you should not say it to anyone else. Let your spouse be the first to hear your gripes. Raise your issues and concerns with them first, before you bring them to anyone else. Also, make sure anyone you are going to for advice is objective and will not take your side. Someone who will want to hear your spouse’s side before drawing any conclusion. Someone who will check to see if you are holding yourself accountable. Someone who will send you back to your spouse to address the issue and may be willing to play the role of mediator if you two really cannot speak on the topic without arguing. Allow Matthew 18:15-16 to be your ultimate guide on dealing with issues with your spouse.
Misplaced Priority
When you enter a marriage or a relationship that is heading down the path of marriage you and your partner ought to be each other’s number 1 priority. Your relationship now takes precedence over all others. Your partner should not have to convince you of this. You simply make the choice. It doesn’t matter who your friends and family were before your spouse or how long they have been in your life. Your spouse or spouse-to-be is now number 1.
Prioritizing a long-time friend over your partner is a major trust breaker. Choosing the advice or guidance of a friend over your partner says you love and respect the friend more. Now this is a delicate topic. Our friends may have been in our lives for many years and have gone to the moon and back for us. They hold a treasured place in our hearts. We often cannot imagine our lives without them. However, this very issue played a role in the demise of my marriage and my last 2 relationships prior.
Prioritizing a friend of the opposite sex is an absolute no no. It’s an immediate red flag that will trigger insecurity in your partner. Where there is insecurity there will be a breakdown in trust, which will lead to a breakdown in intimacy resulting in a dry and mechanical relationship. Or frequent arguments arising from jealousy and perceived infidelity.
Both you and your partner should feel like each other’s number 1 fan, friend, confidant, source of comfort and teammate. If you are not choosing to make your partner “it” for you, then let the person go. Now of course you could be willing to prioritize your partner but they are not showing up as you need them to. Communicate that to them, and give them a chance to improve. If they are stubborn then they are simply not your person. Let them go. Of course, this is much harder if you are already married. If the health of your marriage is important to them. Let them know they can’t have a healthy relationship with you and prioritize the outsiders simultaneously.
The Well-intentioned Outsider
We all from time to time have people in our lives that wants ‘what is best for us’. They often believe they know exactly what that is. They will stick their noses into you and your partner’s business to either help you improve your relationship or get you both to break up so that you can find “better”. There may be “better” out there for you, but let that be determined by you and not an outsider. You fight to keep your relationship against all odds. Because losing your relationship over foolishness is no fun. Starting over from scratch knowing full well you could have worked things out with your ex if it were not for the outsider that invaded is painful.
Draw the line on all people who think they know what is best for you and your partner. If you are both adults, you both need to work out what is best for you. Keep friends and family from influencing how you move in your relationship as much as possible. They will keep you single. Anyone who is encouraging you to end your relationship is an enemy. They may sound sweet, compassionate and empathetic toward your issues but have no clue how to fix the issues. If you seem emotionally distressed enough, they may over-empathize and tell you to quit. You are speaking to the wrong outsider. Sometimes they want you or your partner for themselves, beware.
Affairs
An extra-marital affair is the worst kind of outsider to put between you and your spouse. It happens very frequently though. Cheating is a major part of our relationship culture here in Jamaica and globally. The same emotions that push us to prioritize our friends or family over our partner are the same that will drive us to cheat, just add attraction and desire in the mix.
A lot of us take it for granted that our partner will be faithful to us especially if they are Christian. This expectation can cause us to be lax in how we show up for them. We may be tempted to believe that they should accept us as we are and not desire or require any changes. While I agree with loving a person as they are I also believe in growth and believe we should be challenging each other to get better in every way. The more we strive to improve for our partners, the more they will likely feel we are for them. So, their conscience is more likely to bite them if they even consider cheating.
Jesus says in Matthew 5 that if a man looks lustfully on another woman he has already committed adultery. Essentially Jesus is saying it starts in the mind. The boundary against infidelity starts with how we think. In our thoughts we need to rank our values a particular way to guard against infidelity.
Our primary value should be to please God. The desire to make God happy, to show appreciation for his love and mercy toward us. Our love for God should be what compels our most noble behaviours. Our second most important value should be the heart of our spouse. Do we care about him/her just as much as we care about our relationship with God? Are we giving our best to our spouse as we are giving to God? Our third most important value should be our own integrity and congruence as representatives of Christ. Do our words and our actions match? Can you trust yourself to do what is best for your relationship with God and others? We need to be proud of ourselves and at peace with ourselves knowing full well we have nothing to hide.
Fourth of all and probably this shouldn’t even be included but it is what many people tend to put first, pleasure. Pleasure while important for the sustenance of our relationships, is dangerous as a top value. Placing pleasure above the other 3 is a recipe for infidelity. Because the moment you are not receiving pleasure from your spouse the thought about getting it elsewhere will flood your mind. The devil may put the thought there but the other values if higher than pleasure will be an effective barrier against the thought coming to reality.
Closing Remarks
If you think about it, all four of these traps are interconnected. To protect our relationships from outsiders we need to be emotionally regulated. We need to be self-controlled. James 3:9-11 says “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”
If you can gain control of your tongue, you will save yourself and your spouse a world of pain. The outsiders can only sabotage our relationships if we allow them to by what we say to them. I do hope this article was insightful for you. I desire for you and your spouse to feel safe in your relationship. My next article will be a continuation of this one. Looking at how to guard against outsiders. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
This piece was written and contributed by our PAJE Writer! Remember to show your support by liking, sharing and commenting!
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