In my previous article, I focused primarily on gossip and how it allows outsiders to affect our relationships. In this article, I’ll be discussing some other factors that give outsiders influence in our relationships and how best to avoid certain threats. We now understand the behaviour that allows outsiders to pose a threat to our relationship is gossip.
How do we now play defence? Topics to be discussed in this article
1. Pride and Ego
2. The United Front
3. Congruence and integrity
Pride and Ego
Every human being has a measure of pride. The measure may be higher in men than in women because we are expected to perform. It is disrespectful to talk negatively about your spouse to others. When we know that others have a negative perception of us that was influenced by something our partner said to them voluntarily, that casts a dark cloud over our lives. Once trust has been betrayed in this way it usually makes us want to hold back ourselves from our partner. We now start to feel as if we are walking on eggshells trying our best not to offend our partner lest they share more negative things about us with their friends and family.
The relationship loses safety which can only be regained if you both stop sharing your issues with other people. To bruise your partner's ego and treat them as if they should know better because they are an adult, is to put yourself as superior to them. This will cause your arguments to become more heated. The power struggle will become worse and worse. It will become more about winning than coming to an understanding.
Your best defence against the possible effect of a bruised ego is humility. Never say you would never do what your spouse did. Because given the same mindset with similar circumstances you may take the same course of action. We often fail to see things from our partner’s perspective because we believe our way is right. We more passionately defend our disposition if we have Bible scripture to back it up.
In your disagreements with your spouse, please for a moment push right or wrong to the side and talk on the level of perspective. Try to understand your partner’s story, the circumstances that lead to his/her bad behaviour, decision or choice of words. In our discussions and arguments, it is often understanding we crave. The satisfaction of winning an argument is not worth it if your spouse now feels inferior to you and disconnected from you.
The United Front
I have a premarital questionnaire that I let couples who come to me do. It asks a specific question regarding the United Front. It lets me know whether this couple will survive the threat of public conflict. In this life, we are constantly faced with these 2 options. ‘Fake it till we make it’ or be real and authentic. I am an advocate for both honestly. However, where your relationship and the public are concerned, I lean heavily to the side of ‘fake it till you make it’. You may be beefing with your partner but in public, please present the United Front.
A reason we often hold on to offence and let it show in our demeanour and attitude in public is we believe we are right. Our pride and egos cause us to pout and show up dejected. If people around can tell by your body language that you and your partner are beefing, this is an open door for outsiders to infiltrate. Sometimes we do childish things like give more attention to outsiders during the beef to make our partner jealous. We may get a kick out of it. However, beware, not every relationship can survive this.
You and your partner’s aim all day every day should be to keep your delicate connection safe. Publicly embarrassing your partner or painting them as the villain in your story because you didn’t get what you wanted from them is childish. Put on a smile and show up as if everything is going smoothly. Then in private, you both can talk through the issue. Once the issue is resolved you can then show up more genuinely happy to the public events together.
If you must be real and authentic all the time, showing exactly how you feel on your face, and through your body language toward your spouse you cannot present a united front amid unresolved conflict. If you cannot present a united front, then stay home. Do not go to the dinner event, class reunion or church fun day. One of you may go to the event without the other only if you are playing a crucial role in the event. Otherwise, both of you stay away together. A united front can also be presented if both of you are absent. In as many matters as possible, agree.
Congruence and integrity
Congruence… I first came across this word while doing my psychology studies back in 2020. Essentially it means to agree. Ideally, we want our inside to be in agreement with our outside. We want what we say to match what we do. This is how we unlock peace in our lives and the confidence of others. The struggle we all face, however, is that our desire for pleasure does not often align with our desire to show integrity because pleasure has no morality attached to it. Unless we train ourselves to lock pleasure into the specific context of marriage, and therefore align it with our morality. We are very likely to seek pleasure outside of it.
Sexual immorality is considered one of the worst of all sins in the Bible because it is a sin against our bodies which is the temple of God (1st Corinthians 6:18-19). We are not instructed to resist sexual immorality rather we are instructed to flee. Run away because we all have an insatiable appetite for pleasure and resisting perpetually is next to impossible. So, to walk sexually upright we need certain boundaries. If we give the Devil an inch he will take the mile.
Below are practical ways to avoid sexual immorality.
1. Communicate to your spouse if you are sexually dissatisfied
This can be a hard one, telling someone their sexual performance needs improvement is like telling someone their breath stinks or they have bad body odour. It can be a bit uncomfortable. But they can’t know if you don’t say anything. If they don’t know then they can’t improve. You must become comfortable with telling your partner the truth even though it may offend them from time to time.
We often avoid communicating these types of truths because we are uncertain of how the other person will react and whether the relationship can withstand the blow to their ego. Say the not-so-appealing things to your spouse early in the relationship but still demonstrate that you are committed. We fear losing our person over our inadequacies. But as the Bible says perfect love casts out fear (1st John 4:18). If your spouse loves you then they want to please you. If they value your attraction to them, they will do what is possible within their ability to keep your affection for them. If they take offence and care not about what pleases you then maybe they are not for you.
Everyone at some point needs to make an adjustment to facilitate the presence of their partner. This adjustment does not come without resistance so be patient with your partner. If you show up as willing to adjust for him/her that may inspire him/her to do the same for you. Effort is a powerful motivator of faithfulness. We are drawn to those who pursue us by doing what we like.
2. Avoid being alone with friends of the opposite sex
We often tell ourselves we are strong enough to resist temptation. But I guarantee you if that is the narrative playing in your mind the Devil will push your limits. All it takes is being in the wrong place at the right time with a certain feeling running through your body and feeling emotionally safe with your friend. Then as they say one thing leads to another and before you know it a full-fledged affair has sprung to life.
Your opposite-sex best friend should be your partner. Now I fully understand that the title of ‘best friend’ is not bestowed upon someone we just met or someone who we have not gone through any difficulty with. But your desire should be to hold your partner in high regard as you do your best friend. Your best friend is usually a person you tell everything. That person should be your person.
It’s risky to be telling your opposite-sex friends about the ups and downs of your relationship especially if there is even a hint of attraction between you two. Keep your interactions with opposite-sex people professionally warm. I leave the door to my office open once a female who is not my person is in there with me. I intentionally limit my interactions with attractive women. When I take female clients to lunch I keep the interaction professional and extend an invitation to their partner as well if they have one.
3. Take your spouse with you as much as possible
Wherever you go so long as there is room and allowance for your spouse, you should both go together. This presents unity and works as a defence mechanism against outsiders. Also, you will be less tempted to flirt with outsiders knowing that your partner is there with you. You would have to be pretty bold to do that. That level of audacity would show there is no respect for your partner in your heart.
4. Have a same-sex accountability partner
This will be the person you take your intrusive lustful thoughts to every time the urge comes up to shoot your shot with a person who is not your partner. When we are at the peak of pain and frustration in our relationships, the temptation is very high to seek someone “better”. Your accountability partner is going to be the person who drapes you up and keeps you grounded when your emotions are pushing you to seek pleasure outside to ease your pain.
Using these tools, we can keep our outside world congruent with our inside world. We keep our integrity and by extension our credibility with others intact. Your partner will feel safe with you, outsiders will hold you in high esteem and the Lord Jesus will be glorified.
Closing Remarks
Your relationship with your partner is only as strong as your defence strategy. I write this article from a place of experience. I hope you follow the foolish advice you just read. Certain betrayals and breaches of trust are hard to bounce back from. Primarily because most of us don’t know how to bounce back from a betrayal of trust. It’s not like they teach these things in school. Yet relationship management is the most important life skill. My next couple of articles will be exploring divorce and remarriage. Should we as Christians do this or should it be forbidden no matter the circumstances? This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
This piece was written and contributed by our PAJE Writer! Remember to show your support by liking, sharing and commenting!
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