Oh, what a feeling it is to be in love. When in love it seems as if the person of our affections can do no wrong. We want this feeling to go on and on and on. So, we do our best to avoid conflict and we do our best to address any offence we may have caused the other person. All to make them happy. But then gradually we notice how much of ourselves we lose while trying to make the other person happy which sometimes seems impossible. Being in love is emotion based and we hardly have control over our moods much less the moods of others. For this reason, among others, boundaries are important.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a line of demarcation that separates one area from another. In the intertwining of hearts and souls these lines are often blurred. Blurred boundaries lead to confusion and an inability to resolve conflict or make decisions that are healthy for yourself or your relationship. Many of our modern-day relationships could be saved if only more people understood the importance of boundaries.
Boundaries in Relationships
There are levels to boundaries where relationships are concerned. The first level is knowing where you end and where your partner begins. We are only to take responsibility for our stuff. Only take responsibility for your thoughts, actions, reactions, and feelings. Do not take responsibility for your partners thoughts, actions, reactions, and feelings. This is key because we often do things in our day to day living that may be triggering for our partner andthey may feel led to blame us for their reactions and attitudes. If we take responsibility for their poor behaviour toward us, we will believe that a change in our behaviour will fix their attitude but most times it won’t. Keep this in mind, we teach people how to treat us. Whether we are aware or not is a different story.
So, if you believe changing your behaviour will positively change how your partner speaks to you, think again. Rather it is more likely to positively reinforce how he/she speaks to you because they noticed that blaming, being condescending or harsh can get the reaction out of you that they want. It may give them a sense of power.
So, what they are likely to do is copy and paste that same attitude onto every reaction to the triggering things you do. If you continue to take responsibility for their action towards you, you will never actually communicate how their actions affect you emotionally. You may see yourself as “the problem” or as lesser than them and your self-esteem will shrink like a grape left out in the sun. It is important to nip condescending tones and attitudes in the bud. Communication is an important area within which to set boundaries.
Be mindful that boundaries in relationships are not intended to block you from your partner. That’s what walls are for. A boundary is intended to protect the delicate connection that you and your partner share by ensuring that communication is always respectful. So, instead of folding into your partners poor attitude toward you, you can say something like, “I appreciate you sharing your concern with me I really did not mean to offend you. However, I don’t like your tone toward me, I will not do as you have asked until you fix how you speak to me.” This is an example of how to set a boundary where communication is concerned. Let’s break down the sentence and identify why it is a good tool.
The first part of the first sentence demonstrates that the concern was heard and that you care about your partner’s concern. The second part of the first sentence communicates that you had no malicious intent toward your partner, the offense was accidental. The first part of the second sentence communicates respectfully that your partners tone is unacceptable. Then the second part of the second sentence assertively sets the boundary saying, “I will not do as you have asked until you fix how you speak to me”.
Your partner must now respect the boundary or find a way around it. If they wish to keep the relationship, they will respect the boundary. However, if they are unaware that you are setting a boundary intended to preserve the relationship that they want, they may challenge your boundary. This is immature but none of us are born adults we must grow into emotional maturity. No matter the circumstances DO NOT FOLD. Even if your partner threatens to leave the relationship. Let them stand on their threat. Hold your ground. If any manipulative tactic works you are teaching them what they can do to overpower you emotionally. They will draw that card again and the relationship will become toxic.
Your partner is not a bad person but as humans we naturally want our own way. We will bulldoze our way to it if that has previously worked for us. We often value getting our way more than we value our relationship. This trips us up and keeps us hurting others and ourselves as we move from relationship to relationship. It’s better to lose the relationship than to lose your self-respect. If your partner cannot respect your boundaries, then they are simply not your person. Let them go.
Walls vs. Boundaries
I once saw my friend share a post on social media that said “Girrrl you are glowing what’s your secret??... Boundaries” When I saw it, I laughed to myself because I knew she has been struggling to keep her relationships with men throughout her life and didn’t know the difference between boundaries and walls.
As I said earlier a boundary is intended to keep the interactions between you and your partner healthy. It’s intended to preserve your relationship. A wall on the other hand is designed to shut the other person out and slowly stifle the relationship. People often throw up walls thinking that they are boundaries but a way to assess if your “boundary” is a boundary or a wall is to ask. “Did my action produce improved communication between me and this person?” If it did not, then it was either a wall OR your person lacked the emotional maturity to recognize your boundary as a relationship preserver and through up their wall.
During relationships we often do things that unintentionally offend the other person. Communicating regarding offence is difficult for most people as our pride and egos block us
from being vulnerable. It is much easier to throw up a wall that guarantees protection from further pain than it is to set a boundary. With boundary setting we expose ourselves to the possibility of the other person not respecting us enough to heed our requirements. They may not take us seriously at first, especially if they have grown accustomed to us folding. So, you may have to communicate the purpose of your boundary to prevent it turning into a wall
against your partner.
Always remember, a boundary is intended to keep your relationship going, while walls usually ensure your relationship dies slowly. Boundaries can become walls if your partner is stubborn and insists on violating your boundaries. A mature partner needs only an explanation of the heart behind your boundary to fall in line and do what is necessary to keep the connection strong. Therefore, boundary setting requires a couple things:
1. Unwavering commitment – If you attempt to set a boundary with the thought that ending the relationship might be a better option. You will not have the patience required for your boundary to have the desired effect on your partner. Mutual commitment between you and your partner forces you to extend compassion to your partner and forces your partner to make the necessary adjustment to keep the connection.
2. Vulnerable communication – In the process of setting a boundary we need to be in touch with our desire to keep our relationship. Driven by anger or frustration our boundary may come across to our partner as a wall. We need to express our desire to keep the person while at the same time communicate that the person’s behaviour is hurtful and unacceptable.
3. Self-Respect – With only the 2 previous points we run the risk of folding under the resistance of our partner to our boundary. If our commitment and desire for the relationship is stronger than our self-respect, we are likely to allow unacceptable things to slide. The more we allow hurtful behaviour the worse the relationship feels to us. Self-respect ensures that we stand firm on our boundary. We have no control over the other person, we can only control ourselves.
4. Emotional Maturity – When our boundaries are violated, we may feel the urge to argue or get even. Neither are healthy, crossing your partner’s boundary is not the solution to them crossing yours. You may both become entangled in a web of conflict that is difficult to resolve, because words said cannot be unsaid. Emotional maturity keeps us solutions oriented making us seek the quickest path to conflict resolution and connection preservation. Even though we may feel angry remaining emotionally stable is key to allowing the boundary to do the work that we probably think shouting or stone walling will do.
What does a wall look like?
Behaviours that are indicative of walls being thrown up include:-
1. Requiring unending space – A partner asking for space is often necessary so that they can process their emotions and come up with possible solutions. However, unbridled space will inevitably lead to emotional drift. Asking your partner for space without communicating when you intend to reconnect is a wall not a boundary.
2. Ignoring your person – If your partner is trying to communicate but you are ignoring them because you are offended in some way but have not communicated your offence to them. This is wall behaviour.
3. Threatening to end the relationship – This tactic is extremely emotionally manipulative and is likely to lead to a power struggle. This is wall behaviour.
4. Being too busy – Filling your time with activity that does not include your partner will lead to your partner feeling neglected and as if they aren’t important to you. This is wall behaviour.
Closing Remarks
Unfortunately, we aren’t taught about the importance of boundaries in school. We grow up and enter relationships being led purely by our emotions. Without wisdom and understanding we may just find ourselves going in circles never getting what we truly want out of our relationships. Don’t we all want love, dedication, loyalty, peace and continuous companionship? These things must be cultivated. When we first meet a person, we have no clue who they are, and they don’t know us either. Even if intentions are pure, intentions are meaningless without proper communication and thorough understanding. We cannot skip the work.
Every honeymoon phase eventually ends as offence starts to creep in. If you are having a hard time keeping your relationships, you may need to be more intentional about setting boundaries and recognizing when your boundaries are becoming walls. It does take two to tango, so if your partner cannot respect your boundary lines and adjust to facilitate your feeling safe and comfortable they are simply not your person. You should be striving to do the same for them as well.
My next article will be a continuation of this one. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart, unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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