In the Bible we don’t see any dating, do we? People were single, then BAM married. The closest relationship I have seen in the Bible to dating is the relationship between Mary the mother of Jesus and Joseph. They were engaged during Mary’s pregnancy and at the time of Jesus’ birth. Before that most if not all the relationships we see in the bible were between a man and his wife, wives and/or concubines. Could we say that the relationship between a man and his concubine is a form of dating relationship? Possibly, but the motive behind that relationship is different than the one behind why we date now.
In early biblical times, marriage was established among people of the same tribe. We see incestual relationships, for example, Abraham and Sarah were siblings and Isaac and Rebekah were cousins. God forbade his people from marrying people from other clans and countries because he knew intermingling would possibly cause idolatry to seep into the culture of his people. And it surely did, as the Israelite men in their conquests would often fall in love with foreign women and do the opposite of what God commanded. It was established from the beginning that it is best to marry someone who is like you or from your kind of people. The more similarities the better.
However, in today’s world and culture dating has become commonplace. As humans, we have all yearned for freedom. Growing up we despised our parents telling us what to do and it made us rebellious. The human soul hates to conform, we all want to chart our paths. We all believe we are right and should always follow our hearts, or our gut feelings. Biblical marriage was established on a foundation of principle. In today’s world marriages are being established on a foundation of feelings and both subtle and overt peer pressure.
Why do we date?
The aim of dating today is to get to know someone we may find attractive. So, we go out together, have long conversations and share multiple experiences all to decipher whether this person is suitable for me to take seriously and marry eventually. Many couples “date” for 2, 3, 5, or even 10 years before taking the walk down the aisle. Most couples have already married each other; however, they don’t realize it because their understanding of marriage is societal and not Biblical, but hey that’s a whole other article. Matter of fact that topic could be a book.
But essentially, we want to ensure we are not marrying someone who is going to make our lives Hell on Earth. Now, wisdom on who and how to marry should come from those who have gone before us. This is why parents should play an active role in their children’s choice of partner. But as I said before the human soul hungers for freedom and autonomy. So more and more young, underdeveloped children are left to make their romantic decisions and learn from their painful mistakes.
Our hormones are extremely powerful. So, we may want to just keep our dating relationships platonic but where there is attraction there is also the inevitable desire to creep into marriage territory. Today’s society has watered down the importance and the dangers of sex. When you hear a person say “It’s just sex” as if “it’s just a hi5” then you know that person has totally lost touch with what God intended sex to be or they never knew in the first place and their perspective is completely influenced by the culture and not even an ounce of Bible.
It is misguided that we believe we can get to know someone completely before we get married. We all as humans change over time as the circumstances surrounding our lives change and as we gain new knowledge and insight. Our perspectives change and so our behaviours change. The girl you meet in high school will not be the same woman you marry after college. The wife you get on your wedding day will not be the same wife throughout the years as she becomes a mother, changes careers, gains new friends and reads new books. So, is dating really necessary, If the person we are getting to know is a person we can’t know completely? Especially if we aren’t supposed to live together (“shack up”) or have sex (“fornicate”)? We will still be getting to know our spouse throughout life, that process is like sanctification it will never end and it shouldn’t. May we always be curious about our partner, and may we always desire to learn new things about our person.
Dating is Rubbish
I know that subtitle comes off a bit strong but hear me out. In today’s culture dating is mostly unavoidable. Most people are going to think of you as crazy for going from single to married within a couple of weeks of meeting a person for the first time. Not only do we not have the restrictions the Israelites had, but we also have no societal family structure. It’s a free-for-all all in the wild wild west. We can marry whomever we choose, and our private parts are not great discerners of who is right for us and who isn’t. So, we delay marriage as we understand dating to be a safe way to vet a possible lifetime partner before taking the plunge.
But during dating with little to no intention to commit we are doing marriage activities. Without realizing it we are marrying the people we are dating. Then when they offend us or fail to meet our expectations, we discard them causing ourselves and them great pain and anguish. How many of us have gone to bed weeping over a lost love while the person is still alive and only a phone call away? How many of us are now jaded and our current relational behaviours and attitudes are influenced by traumas we experienced in our previous romantic relationships? Most if not all adults today above the age of 21 are victims of dating.
Even if you date as prescribed by the church. To avoid possible heartbreak, it has to be done with intentionality and purpose. It’s not a test drive, we aren’t feeling each other out. We are choosing to commit based on precise observations and how we have answered each other’s questions honestly. So really a couple can meet today and choose to marry within a month once they are both on the same page regarding God, purpose and marriage principles. It's really not as complicated as we make it seem. It only becomes complicated when we over-emphasize the importance of everything, we think is important. When we do that, we set ourselves on a path of moving in and out of romantic relationships searching for the ideal person, whom we have no guarantee of finding within our lifetime.
Dating as it is done in today's world is extremely damaging. Those who never grasp the heart of God on the matter of marriage are relegated to bouncing from one empty relationship to the next. Inevitably making themselves slipperier and less likely to remain committed to one person. People who believe wholeheartedly in dating bring the same mentality into marriage and end up going from one marriage to another. Turning their entire lives into a compilation of thrilling roller coaster rides. No depth, no suffering, no forgiveness, no patience, no letting go of stale ideas that don’t serve the long-term goal of lifelong companionship.
The Heart of the Matter is the Matter of the Heart
Dating sets us on this everlasting pursuit of the most suitable partner. Without us taking the time to zone in on who we are. If you don’t know who you are; how can you choose the most suitable partner? If you have low self-esteem and a mindset of lack and scarcity, will you not be prone to entertaining relationships with people whom you don’t even really like? If you are more focused on now and the urges that flow through your body, are you not more likely to give yourself sexually to every attractive person who seeks romance with you?
The issue isn’t how well we follow the rules. Rather, it’s how in tune with the heart of God are our hearts! We Christians can get so caught up in the rules and how things should be done. We judge people who do it “wrong”, and we believe our current suffering is because we broke the rule in 2013. We believe obeying the rules produces a clean heart. Honestly, it can but ONLY if we understand the heart behind the rule. Otherwise, we become like Pharisees knowledgeable but lacking understanding.
If only we could grasp the heart of God and the reason why he gave all the various commands. It was so that we could live in love with Him and each other. That’s it, that’s the entire reason. May all your interpretation of God’s word flow from that truth. His law is motivated by LOVE. This is confirmed in Matthew 22, Romans 13, 1st Peter 4 and 1st John 4. Love is at the core of it all. If love is not your motive, you are already failing in this relationship game you are hurting yourself and anyone who dates you. You might as well take a seat on the bench.
Now the most important factor to grasp is COMMITMENT. Without this your love will fail and the Bible says in 1st Corinthians 13:8 “love never fails”. So, if your love fails it was never love. God’s heart is for us to choose a partner and then commit to that person permanently. Regardless of what life throws at us or what offences may cause us to feel heartbroken. It sounds hard and it is hard. This is why the disciples exclaimed in Matthew 19 that it is better not to marry, and Paul reinforces the sentiment in 1st Corinthians 7.
The Love Christ demonstrates toward us is the very same love he wants us to extend to each other because it is the ONLY love. Every other “love” is a cheap knockoff. Every other love will leave us confused and feeling as if the person we dated lied to us every time they said “I love you” but now they are back to being a stranger. That’s painful most of our relational traumas occur while we are dating. Break-ups feel just as devastating as divorce because essentially, they are the same thing. The only difference is divorce requires the involvement of lawyers and judges and has more financial ramifications. But A break up between two people who were sexually active with each other is a tearing apart of two hearts that were interwoven. Emotionally it is just as devastating as a divorce. And rightly so since sex is the marrying act.
Closing Remarks
Dating in today’s culture has developed out of our desire to lean on our understanding and pursue romance without true commitment. We believe it is our right to exercise our freedoms as autonomous adults. However, if we are led exclusively by our emotions, we are prone to be like the waves of the sea. Swaying back and forth, never settled, never steadfast, never identifying who is good enough and never seeing the error in our ways or our mindset. If you would like to see me speak on this topic click on the video below.
In the next article I’ll be writing about the heart of God where marriage is concerned and why what we have been taught about fornication is valid but not completely true. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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