“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So, they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” – Matthew 19:5-6
In a world where some couples are having the time of their lives in their marriages and some other couples are experiencing Hell on Earth. Which are the ones that God joined together? Does God join together all marriages? Or are most marriages brought about by our desire and God merely played a supportive role? How do we tell the difference?
These questions have perplexed the best of us Christians. Most church leaders encourage us to pray and allow God to choose our spouse for us. My ex-wife and I prayed and fasted about each other. We were convinced we were making God’s choice for us. In the end, we didn’t work out. But if God put us together shouldn’t our relationship work? If God only gives good gifts, why were we poison to each other?
My interpretation of the scripture above is that God is actively involved in joining man and woman after they have chosen one another. The choice of who we marry is ultimately ours. God strengthens our choice by his spirit in us, His Spirit is strengthened by our knowledge and application of His word. Without these, we are left vulnerable to the strategic attacks of the enemy. The Devil hates marriage and will do his best to destroy every one of them. For God’s will to prevail we must obey His word.
God’s Permissive Will V.S. God’s Absolute Will
I have heard these terms thrown around in church circles before. Many religious debates have been sparked over whether a thing was divinely ordained by God or merely allowed by God. Most of us have grown to know God as all-powerful and all-knowing. He exists outside of time and can influence every aspect of life on Earth since He is the creator of it all. Therefore, isn’t everything His absolute will? It’s reasonable to believe that every occurrence good and bad was preordained by God. However, this doctrine doesn’t consider that every human being has the freedom to choose. We may have been preordained to choose right but what if we choose left? Was that preordained as well?
These questions allow us to now consider the permissive will of God. The fact is God still reigns supreme over all of life but gives us the freedom to choose from multiple options. We are made in His image and given dominion over the Earth. We are like God the main difference is our spirits are contained within fleshly bodies. Therefore, we have the power to change our trajectory regardless of what God’s will is. Whatever His will is it is never absolute in execution, rather it is absolute in motive. He desires for us to make the choices that align us with what He wants for us and what will bring Him glory in the end.
God’s good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2) is wrapped up in His word. The more we know His word the more we know the choice he wants us to make. The more we make the choices He wants us to make the more aligned we become with his absolute will. The less we know His word the more likely we are to follow our understanding and emotions. Which results in us experiencing less than what He wants for us.
But understand this, God allows us to experience our negative consequences so that we may learn from them. We become better with every failed attempt. We learn the choices we should make from the consequences of the bad choices. Unfortunately, sometimes the bad choice leads to catastrophic consequences that are extremely difficult to bounce back from. But once we still have breath in our lungs we can repent and come right back in alignment with Him.
So, If God’s absolute will is that we prosper and be in good health. Would he choose a spouse for us with whom we are unequally yoked? Or do we choose that for ourselves out of ignorance? If we make a poor choice in a spouse can God still intervene and make our marriage a part of his absolute will for our lives? Yes, He can. However, only if we allow Him.
I wish not to discount the countless stories of miraculous pairings that have happened. Stories of how God orchestrated the coming together of many Christian couples who have been standing the test of time. However, there are just as many Christian couples who believed God brought them together and are now divorced. Many people with this belief blame God for their unfortunate life outcomes. But God has provided everything we need to have success in marriage through his word, it is up to us to obey or disobey. This is why I personally believe God may play a role in causing paths to cross and keeping a couple together but ultimately it is the choices of the 2 individuals that make or break the union.
Is a Marriage God-Ordained if Divorce is on the Table?
In Christianity, based on how we are taught it is easy and reasonable to believe that once we do all the right things we are supposed to get what we want. Marriage is that ultimate earthly prize that is supposed to be a reward for our obedience and abstinence. So, if we are not getting what we want it means something is wrong. If we can’t figure out a solution to our problem within a reasonable time frame, the human tendency is to quit because obviously, we are mismatched.
Being mismatched or ‘unequally yoked’ is very likely, however, this can be improved upon. It will take compromise and adjustments on both sides, but with God’s word in the midst, the most mismatched couple can align themselves with God’s perfect will. What often prevents this is stubbornness or the “hardened heart”. A person who is unyielding and cannot submit to their spouse is likely to break the relationship. Divorce however is not the answer. God may allow us to marry stubborn people just so that we may learn patience and grace.
While we are going through the pain and suffering of not getting our own way, divorce often seems like the most logical solution. But that is not what God wants. I dear say it is never what He wants. He wants us to work through every conflict, He wants us to forgive every offence, and He wants us to turn our grimy marriages that have been clogged with bitterness and contempt into well-oiled and highly functional machines of love, peace and joy. But this is extremely difficult if we choose to be led by our emotions more than we are led by His word.
God may have facilitated the coming together of you and your spouse but ultimately it is the combination of choices you both make that will keep the marriage going. As powerful as God is, He does not usurp our freedom and ability to choose. The marriages that remain God-ordained are the ones where the couple continues to choose each other daily amid every challenge and despite every conflict.
Does the Bible show where God chooses our spouse for us?
There are not many instances in the Bible where we see God was involved in the choice to marry 2 people. The main one that comes to mind is Isaac and Rebekah. Abraham’s servant went out to seek a wife for Isaac and prayed to God asking for a specific sign that would identify her as “the one”. The servant’s prayer was answered, he then brought Rebekah back to Issac and they were married instantly. (Genesis 24:12-67).
Even in this story, we see where all involved had the freedom to choose yay or nay. The servant was concerned that he would not be successful in bringing back a wife for Isaac because she and her family might resist the proposal. However, He made a compelling proposal speaking of his master’s wealth, his process regarding how he chose Rebekah and offering gifts showing honour and respect. As a result, his mission was successful.
We could say God “chose” Rebekah for Isaac. However, God’s choice would have been a different woman if a different woman had shown the personality traits of kindness and warmth that the servant prayed about. It was Rebekah’s attitude toward the servant (she referred to him as “my lord”) and his camels that made her God’s choice.
God’s word tells us to pray concerning all things. So most certainly we should pray about our choice of spouse. But just as important is observation of the traits that will make a person a good spouse to have. The Bible outlines the characteristics of a good wife more than that of a good husband (Proverbs 31:10-31). I believe this is because it is the man who chooses his wife and so he needs to identify those biblical traits in a woman if he wishes to choose wisely. Once a man makes a wise choice all he must do is treat her with love and respect. All will go by God’s will for His family if he and his wife play their roles and remain peaceful.
Closing Remarks
In conclusion, I do not believe God chooses our spouse for us. I believe we choose our spouse. However, God orchestrates the flow of our lives so that we may meet our potential spouses. Once we choose a person and they choose us back and we marry, this becomes the union that God has brought together that no one should break apart. As hard as a marriage may feel it is never God’s will for a couple to divorce. Rather it is his will that they obey His word and work through their issues.
None of us are born saved. None of us are born knowing how to love. We all must learn through trial and error. All Christians must receive the Holy Spirit to be empowered to overcome the fleshly tendencies of selfishness and pride. It is our selfishness and pride that makes our God-ordained marriages seem otherwise. If God allowed you to marry the “wrong” person, it is not His fault. It was ultimately your choice. You possibly didn’t pay close enough attention to the Biblical traits he tells us to look out for. Or you possibly didn’t know the traits to look out for because you didn’t read your Bible enough. So, you went with what your feelings were telling you about the person. Or overestimated your capacity to cope with their unyielding nature (like me).
All in all, God will bless and establish your marriage if you obey His word. It’s that plain and simple. Marriage was God’s idea allow him to be the main influence in your union. Then you can say it is indeed God-ordained.
I do hope this article was insightful for you. If you disagree, please share your thoughts in the comments section below. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
This piece was written and contributed by our PAJE Writer! Remember to show your support by liking, sharing and commenting!
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