We were born single but into a societal culture that is so focused on relationships that we do not really take the time to focus on being single. From as early as our primary school days we are seeking to live out our romantic fantasies with our crushes. What we observe in most of the adults around us is them going from one relationship to the next. Most people have siblings that are not born to the same parents. It is increasingly becoming rarer to find nuclear families that stand the test of time. May I propose that our struggle to maintain happy and healthy marriages over a lifetime possibly stems from our lack of self-development during singleness?
Single with a purpose
The main purpose of man is to serve and glorify God our creator. During singleness that is where our focus should be. In doing so we become intimately acquainted with who He is and who he has made us to be. Your intimate relationship with God will give you insight into who you are. Knowing who you are is very important and should influence heavily who you choose to be your lifetime partner.
The problem is most of us are so focused on getting bood up that we neglect ourselves. We will bend over backwards for the person we want to be in a romantic relationship with but don’t give ourselves the same level of care, admiration or respect. When we do this, we set ourselves up to be taken advantage of by even the nicest of people. It takes a highly conscientious person to notice they are taking advantage of your love and actually choose to stop out of genuine care for you.
If you are struggling to find happiness in relationships, you probably should focus on being a happy single person first. There are 5 key elements that you need to be happy and whole as a single Christian person.
1. GOD
A good relationship with God and his word is key. Many worldly influences including our own sexual urges and desires for companionship can easily draw us away from our spiritual centre. The Bible says in Galatians 5 that what the spirit desires the flesh desires the opposite. It is easy to go with what the flesh desires because those feelings are powerful and flow naturally. However, if we are not solid in our relationship with God and his word our fleshly desires can mess us up big time.
Currently, the Christian dating culture is a mash-up of worldly and biblical influences and it is causing a lot of mess. Spirit and flesh don’t mix very well. It’s best to take a more spiritual approach. Even though there is no denying the needs and desires of our flesh, leading with our flesh (emotions) tends to cause disaster in the long run. Being disciplined and steadfast in the spirit will have a net positive effect on your future marriage because marriage in and of itself requires discipline and maturity. Singleness is a great place to develop these.
2. Purpose
This is all about your work. What do you do with your time, energy and talent that generates not only income but a sense of accomplishment? Do you feel as if you are positively serving God and people in carrying out your work? If not you either need to change your attitude toward your work, or switch to a different type of work that allows you to be more impactful and hence feel more fulfilled.
This is especially important for us men. Our purpose will influence our sense of self-confidence and vision. Men are mandated to lead their families. So, if you as a man wish to submit to the order that God has set up in His word. It is important that you know your purpose and choose your purpose over all else. You will attract a wife who is willing to support you in the fulfilment of your purpose. A wife whose purpose aligns with yours.
If you are just floating through life but not living with intentionality, you may end up with a person who is unclear on how best to support you. Wives may also need support with their purpose as well. Each person needs to know without doubt what their purpose is so that they can choose better based on who best aligns with their purpose.
3. Boundaries and Standards
This is all about self-respect and being clear about what you want for yourself in your relationships with others. As humans, we are social beings, so we naturally want to connect with others. If you grew up Christian, you may be tempted to foster connection at all costs, all in the name of being nice, gracious, meek and forgiving. However, while this is all good, we must keep in mind that God our creator is a God of Grace and Truth. He made us in his image and so he wants us to be the same way.
During singleness, we need to balance graciousness with boundaries. This is only achievable through effective communication. To communicate effectively we need deep knowledge and acceptance of our emotions and desires. Our desires are not bad, or too high or too low, or too loose or too tight. Your boundaries and standards are yours and they should be kept. If you lax on your standards this is evidence of your lack of self-respect, which may influence even the sweetest of romantic partners to use and discard you. You see we teach people how to treat us and so if we don’t stick up for ourselves. People will take advantage of our weakness.
Being a boundaryless Christian makes you a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser makes knowing who your spouse should be much more difficult. Keep in mind you can only marry one person. The more comfortable a person is with your boundaries and standards is the more for you that person is. And the more for that person you are, because more than likely they have the same standards.
4. Contentment
In a world that is hyper-focused on romantic relationships being intentionally single is a mark of mental strength. Sadly, it is often after experiencing some heartbreak and pain we develop some understanding of what we need from our ideal partner. But if we pay closer attention to our friendships and even sibling relationships, we can get insight into who we truly are and what we really desire/require in romantic relationships.
Developing knowledge, understanding and complete acceptance of who we really are, flaws and all, will help guide how we choose our spouse. The person you choose to be your spouse can only accept you to the extent that you accept yourself; therefore, criticism can either trigger you or roll right off your back. That is determined by the level of self-confidence and acceptance you have in and for yourself.
Contentment is the hallmark of joy. If you are struggling to find joy in your singleness and you believe being married will make all the difference, trust me, it won’t. Any area of insecurity that exists within you will be triggered either intentionally or unintentionally by your partner from time to time and it will blow up into arguments which can become recurrent and cause marriage breakdown.
Comparison is the thief of joy. You may look at happy-looking couples and believe you are missing out on something awesome by being single. But trust me not all that glitters is gold. Most people in an effort to protect their partner won’t share or show openly how much of a pain their relationship is behind the nice photos and fun videos. Both singleness and marriage have their pros and cons. If you can master being content while single, you shouldn’t have a problem with it when you find your person.
5. Friendships
Platonic friendships with 1-3 people of both sexes are important to have as a single person. You might have a challenge cultivating a friendship with your spouse if you don’t cultivate at least 1 platonic friendship. This can lift the tendency we may have to lay all of ourselves on our romantic partner. Now of course this should be acceptable, however, not everyone has a degree in counselling psychology which means not everyone has the mental capacity to deal with the various emotional happenings in their partner’s life/mind. We humans tend to take our partner’s mood personally and may take personal responsibility for “fixing” them. This might lead to further relational breakdown which could have been avoided if their partner had another platonic or professional outlet.
Friendships ought to lift the burden of loneliness. A value can’t be placed on having someone to talk to when we are sad or stressed. Having support when we step into unfamiliar territory. Having a cheerleader when we are flying high. Having an accountability partner to keep us grounded and humble. A good friendship can really save us from ourselves if we allow it. As many of us tend to be led by our emotions and sexual desires. Being intentionally single and more focused on our platonic relationships can be a powerful experience which may free our minds of the tendency to jump from one romance to the next.
The only thing our friend can’t do for us that our romantic partner can do is make us feel sexually fulfilled. So as a single person, you can have an enriched life even if you never marry or have children. It just boils down to the value you place on your singleness and the level of contentment you can cultivate within your heart.
Closing Remarks
We are all born single but because it is our default, we don’t usually focus on being single. Focusing on singleness is counterintuitive, especially to those of us who desire marriage and family. However, as Paul says in 1st Corinthians 7 “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life”. Having been married myself I have a good understanding of what Paul was saying in the scripture.
We naturally want to limit the amount of trouble we experience in our marriages. This is why we believe so much in dating long before we marry someone. The whole aim is to see if we can do life with this person long term. Possibly a better and safer way of reducing our marital troubles is to become more acquainted with ourselves and accepting of ourselves. This will help us to ask better questions when dating and come to conclusions faster. Long dating is not necessary and is quite dangerous. Because every breakup is more time wasted and another heartbreak to heal from before seeking to start over with a new person. The more acquainted we are with ourselves, the better we can choose our partner based on observations and how they answer our most important questions. If you would like to see me speak on this topic click on the video below.
In the next article, I will dive deeper into dating and whether it should be done. How long should a couple date before marrying? Does the time frame really matter? What does the Bible have to say about dating? All this and more to come in the next article. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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