I have been a member of the church all my life, so I am credible when I say we are heavily marriage-minded. No matter the denomination or the country we come from marriage is a big deal to most believers. Why is this? Because we humans are social beings and marriage is the one context, given by God for us to safely have sex and produce children. So, for the sake of living fulfilling lives and raising Godly children, we want nothing more than to be happily married. You would think that we who have Jesus would be doing better than everyone else regarding the longevity of our marriages, but we aren’t. Because you can be baptized and still not be emotionally intelligent. You can be saved and still not know how to save your failing marriage.
What is Adultery really?
Unless there was fornication involved, to divorce and remarry while your original spouse is still alive is to commit adultery (Matthew 19:9). Now why is this? Why is it a sin to divorce and remarry? To divorce is to break a covenant that you formed with your spouse and God. The reason fornication (unfaithfulness) is the foremost biblical ground given for divorce is because sexual intercourse is at the core of the covenant formation. To sleep with someone else is to spiritually break the first covenant and illegitimately replace it with a new one. If the first covenant is spiritually broken by unfaithfulness, the Lord says you may go ahead and legally break the covenant as well.
God is a God of order, and he wants nothing more than for his people to live in harmony with one another. It’s the entire reason He created ‘the law’. He recognizes our need for sexual connection and designed sex to be the marrying act (the two becoming one flesh). It is not fitting for His people to be sleeping around with multiple people even if it is one at a time. Because each time we sleep with someone we mimic the covenant-sealing act that is only acceptable to God between a man and a woman who are committed for life.
Adultery is breaking the covenant to form a new covenant with someone else while the original covenant bearer is still alive. It is indeed painful for God to observe the pain we subject each other to when we harden our hearts and refuse to forgive and be reconciled to each other. It irks God because He has gone to great lengths to demonstrate how we ought to be through Jesus Christ. For Him, no conflict is unresolvable. No offence is unforgivable. Therefore, there is no legitimate reason to harden our hearts against each other. The act of hardening our hearts makes matters worse and makes divorce more enticing than any other option.
Should we remarry or should we remain single?
Through my study of the Bible, I have concluded that the most God-centred life is a single and celibate life. God wants us all focused on building His kingdom. If we are married, we need to split our focus between pleasing God and pleasing our human spouse (1st Corinthians 7:32-35). As a result, in marriage, we are most vulnerable to doing sinful things that will jeopardize our witness and make the message of the Gospel less effective on the earth. Heartbreak is powerful and has caused many Christians to behave in ways not in alignment with their core character. I tell you, I was a near-perfect Christian young man with my own poetry ministry until I got married the first time. Being married to the wrong person ruined me. It’s not that my ex-wife was horrible, it’s just that we were wrong for each other. I believe she will make a great wife for someone else and I hope a capable man sweeps her off her feet.
In 1st Corinthians 7:10-11, the writer Paul says husband and wife are not to separate, if they do, they ought to remain single or be reconciled to each other. Many Christians especially those who are legalistic use this scripture to judge those who divorce and remarry. However, if we keep reading the same chapter Paul gives us the second ground upon which a couple may separate. He says if a married couple comprises a believer and an unbeliever, and the unbeliever wants to leave the believer should let them go. The unbeliever is under no compulsion to stay.
The word “unbeliever” can be interpreted in a couple of ways, but I believe Paul means non-Christian. Particular behaviours can be expected from non-Christians that are not in alignment with a Christian way of living. This means the 2 would be mismatched or “unequally yoked” resulting in a lot of conflict and strife in the home. As it says in Amos 3:3 “How can two walk together lest they agree?” So, at the core of the second ground for divorce is peace. Paul is saying for the sake of peace you may allow the unbelieving partner to leave.
If the unbelieving partner leaves should the believing partner remain single? The Bible didn’t specify that, so it is reasonable to believe that the believer is free to remarry since the first marriage was an illegitimate one (1st Corinthians 7:15-16). It seems, therefore, that the only couple that is obligated to stick together is the one where both are believers. Now people who are true believers behave in ways that facilitate healthy relationships or are willing to get rid of their old non-Christian ways. The “believer” who insists on behaving as an unbeliever is deceiving themselves (James 1:22-25).
True believers bear good fruit. This is why Paul encourages the true believer to stay with their unbelieving spouse with the hope that the good conduct of the believer will rub off on the unbeliever (1st Corinthians 7:12-14). However, if the unbeliever is stubborn and cannot align with the true believer, he/she may choose divorce. The question now is if they choose to remarry is it still adultery? In my opinion, based on the definition of adultery Jesus gave in Matthew 19, yes, if their original spouse is still alive they are committing adultery. God would much prefer the couple be reconciled to each other.
We give God thanks, however, that where sin abounds His grace abounds much more (Romans 5:20) and that adultery is not an unforgivable sin. The fact is we don’t know what we don’t know. Most of us in this modern era enter marriage with no prior training or demonstration of what a healthy marriage looks like. We walk in with no blueprint and possibly very little counselling before exchanging vows. Some couples make it to grey hairs and dementia together, while some couples don’t. Jesus understands this. It's why he intercedes on our behalf, he begs His Father to have mercy on us because we don’t know what we are doing (Romans 8:34).
So, If we divorce should we remarry? I believe God prefers we remain single. However, if we choose to remarry, He will bless our 2nd and even our 3rd marriage if we operate as believers in those marriages. If we apply the scriptures in the way we deal with our spouses, there is no reason we cannot work through every conflict. We must forgive to be forgiven anyway (Matthew 6:15). So, between two true believers no conflict should be able to tear them apart.
If you are a believer and you burn with passion and strong desire for children but you are divorced I don’t believe the Lord will hold adultery against you if you remarry. Righteousness is no longer bestowed upon us by merely following the law. Faith in Christ and obedience to His spirit is what makes us righteous now. So be not condemned by those who still believe that we are justified by the law and that the law should dictate how we live. Do not be intimidated by those “most holy” ones who believe that we should subject ourselves to suffering just because we previously behaved in ignorance. If you have learned your lesson and have been redeemed by Christ you are free to remarry. Selah.
But what about Reconciliation?
As human beings we are quite diverse, we do not fit well with any and everybody. If you are living in the Christian context then you know we are only allowed to have 1 wife/husband. Polygamy and polyamory is not practised by full-fledged Christians. Essentially, it is extremely difficult to be reconciled with someone who is not for you, someone who does not want to be reconciled with you. Most humans, Christians and non-Christians alike value their peace and sanity over all else. So, even though God would prefer we reconcile with each other, many of us tell ourselves that God would not want us to subject ourselves to the same pain by reconnecting with our original spouse because He is a “good father”. As a good father, he wishes for us no emotional pain.
However, this is a false perception. God’s main prerogative is not our earthly comfort and happiness. Rather it is our soul’s renewal and eternal life. Above our happiness God desires our Holiness because that is how we even have a shot at spending eternity with him (Hebrews 12:14). God prefers that we be reconciled so that we may walk out his very word to us. God prefers that we be reconciled so that we can take hold of the true message of Christ.
But sadly, two cannot walk together lest they agree (Amos 3:3). An ex-couple cannot be reconciled to each other if one or both individuals are disinterested in reconciliation. Reconciling after a major break in trust is not a simple task from a psychological standpoint. It is much easier to start over fresh with someone new and apply the lessons learned from the previous relationship failure. However, many couples have reconciled, possibly after counselling, deep self-reflection, Bible study, prayer and the reading of psychological material. People can heal and come back together but most of us are unwilling to do that work. We have either forgotten how much we loved our original spouse or we never really loved them at all in the first place.
Closing Remarks
When we marry, we say “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer until death do us part”. These words roll off our tongues in a moment of extreme happiness and excitement. Most of us report that our wedding day is the happiest day of our lives. Most of us also have no clue how much mental fortitude it takes to live those words when the 'worse', the 'sickness' and the 'poorer' shows up in real life. Marriage is no walk in the park for most people. Heartbreak is agonizingly painful, and divorce is a catastrophic end to a family. May we not take it lightly and may we always celebrate those who have stayed the course through thick and thin.
If you would like to see me speak on this topic of divorce and remarriage check out my podcast episode on Youtube.
As for us who have been through divorce. Chin up. The Lord understands and is having mercy on us even now. We didn’t know back then what we know now. If you desire to love again you desire a noble thing. May God bless your pursuit of love whether that be to reconcile or to move on with a new person. I pray for your healing and your growth. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
This piece was written and contributed by our PAJE Writer! Remember to show your support by liking, sharing and commenting!
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